1. The Story of Athena

According to The Beatles all you need is love, and with the onset of Valentine’s Day it is an appropriate analogy to kick start the stalled heart of this article.

The thing is, if all you need is love then why the hell do we spend so much money on toilet roll and dishcloths? And if love lifts us up where we belong why are there so many couples kissing on park benches?

Love songs make the world go round provided “the world” is a slang term for the compact disc. Many have been written, less have been sung and fewer still have made it beyond the four walls of an infatuated teenager composing a ditty for his teacher. Yet despite the suggested belief that love songs should be about love, the majority tend to lean more in the direction of heartbreak, despair and the utter obliteration of anything that moves by way of nuclear heat-seeking missile. Or stalking.

Sting’s love of tantric sex combined exquisitely with nothing short of voyeurism when he told us that every breath we take, every move we make he’ll be watching us - weirdo. That’s not love, that’s just creepy…like the bloke who sits awake every night just to watch his wife sleeping. And people called Norman Bates a Psycho.

Bon Jovi travelled the same path with “Always”, telling a former lover that no matter who they were with or what they were doing he would still love them until the stars didn’t shine and the words didn’t rhyme. To be honest, if the words didn’t rhyme the song probably wouldn’t have sounded quite so good. In this case it is clear to see that someone’s mother didn’t tell him there were plenty more fish in the sea.

Then you have the songs of lost love. Ironically these are the same songs which constantly top the list of favourite wedding tunes. Whitney’s ear-busting demolition of the Dolly Parton song “I Will Always Love You” is probably lurking somewhere near the number one spot, just like back when it was released on an unsuspecting world. Who did buy that single? The song was at number one for more weeks than some amphibians live but to try and find someone who owns a copy is like attempting to find a double chocolate chip muffin in a health farm.

Yes, these are the love songs created purely to take a family sized custard pie and slam it into the face of anyone who has broken up with a lover. Whitney and Dolly will always love you even though they clearly define their love by leaving you. Many others have followed suit, from Freddie Mercury and Queen who told us too much love will kill you, the love of your life will desert you and they wanted to break free, to EMO rockers My Chemical Romance who said I don’t love you like I loved you yesterday. Such a good relationship these people have with their loved ones.

Leaving the world of musical poetry behind, where else does the quest for a happy Valentine lead us? Through fields of roses, which we leave wearing decidedly less fabric around our legs than when we entered. The things you do for love.

So waiting on the other side of the thorn field is a porky little chap by the name of Cupid, whose surname is rumoured to be Stunt although he tries not to publicise that on his business cards for fear of dyslexia.

Cupid, as most people know, is the odd, winged chap who takes pleasure in firing arrows into the pert buttocks of many an unsuspecting singleton and causing them to fall desperately in love, usually with someone equally as desperate. It’s probably best to think of him as a Robin Hood wannabe except it isn’t a quick buck he’s interested in.

The thing with Cupid is this; when he gets it right, he hits the bulls eye every time. When he gets it wrong it is somewhat more morbidly interesting and prime fodder for Jeremy Kyle and Jerry Springer. Who could forget the “I’m in love with my Vacuum Cleaner” programme?

In the end though, he does have a job to do and can anyone blame him for getting a little bored and firing off some blanks once in a while? If you spent your whole working life half naked wouldn’t you need something more than a shot of caffeine to get you through the day?

So what have we learned about love so far? Nothing I would hope, this article was created to amuse not to educate, and who chirped up about biology? Take the key to that cupboard your dad tells you never to look in and you’ll find plenty of biology videos to keep you entertained.

So leaving behind our podgy reason for people going doe-eyed over each other, we move onto the final stop on the Tunnel of Love tour; movies.

The abundant flowers of passion that spill from the writers of Hollywood burst into full bloom every week as romantic comedies, slushy chick flicks and all out love stories continue to cause dehydration of the tear ducts in cinemas everywhere. We know that in the end the guy is going to get the girl, or maybe the girl will get the guy’s brother before realising it is actually the guys she wants and not his brother who has already had her sister’s mother-in-law. That isn’t important though. What is important is seeing the struggle and devastation those characters go through to steal away the heart of the one they love. At least that’s what we tell ourselves; unless you are a man then you tell yourself “I will not cry” over and over like a boy scout mantra. When the going gets tough, the tough need Kleenex.

So there it is. A Valentine's Tale from The Back Side for lovers and loveless alike. Just remember, Wet Wet Wet felt it in their fingers and toes that love is all around us and so the feeling grows. That may well be true, but there is always the chance it was just the onset of athritis. Just a thought.