1. The Nativity Story

Over two thousand years ago, in the town of Nazareth, a young couple called Mary and Joseph lived in harmony. Harmony was Nazareth’s a.k.a name.

One day an angel revealed itself to Mary. She told it to put some clothes on or she would call the police. The angel pulled down her curtains and used them as a robe. He said his name was Gabriel, and he had been sent to tell her that the Holy Spirit had caused her to be with child.

This was news that Mary was not expecting. She was not best pleased either. She was going to go through all the pain without any of the pleasure. Gabriel told Mary that the baby would be the son of God and she should call him Jesus. Mary was slightly miffed – she had always wanted to call her baby Boris.

Mary asked the angel how she could explain her pregnancy when she was still a virgin. Gabriel told her that God was good with his hands, and nothing was impossible. She asked if God could give her a luxury villa in Florida and a Mercedes Benz. Gabriel said that although nothing was impossible, there was still the company budget to consider.

Mary and Joseph were married later that month and on their honeymoon, as they were climbing into bed, Mary broke the angel’s news to Joseph. He was so ecstatically happy that he jumped up and down for hours, screaming and shouting at the top of his voice, shaking his wife by the throat in elation. He calmed down when she hit him with a frying pan.

When he awakened, Mary told Joseph the rest of the news. They had to leave their luxury squat and travel to Bethlehem where she would give birth. Joseph was so happy he began banging his head off the wall in joy.

For the next week and a half, Mary rode a donkey over the hills of Galilee. They were big hills. Whenever the donkey grew tired, Joseph swapped places with it. A dead donkey would be no good to anyone.

Finally, they arrived in Bethlehem. At the gate they saw a large queue. Something told them it was busy. Joseph remembered his last trip to Disneyland, he had hated queuing then and he did not like it much better now. He took Mary off the donkey, lined it up with the long row of people and gave it a kick. The donkey flattened everyone in the way, and Mary and Joseph were able to walk straight in.

Once they were in Bethlehem, with their all day pass and blue wristbands, their next problem was finding somewhere to stay. Everywhere was full. It was holiday season and Bethlehem had managed to book all the best acts. There was even word that Robbie Williams had agreed to perform on Christmas Day.

Three hours later, Joseph managed to find an inn keeper with a spare stable. On entering, Joseph discovered it was not spare as it was full of sheep. Joseph opened the door and watched the flock gallop down the street taking everyone they met with them.

There was a nasty smell in the stable. Joseph apologised and opened a window.

Soon afterwards, Mary gave birth. It had been the fastest pregnancy in history, and earned Mary a place in the Guinness Book of Records.

Four minutes later, there was a knock at the stable door. Three shepherds were standing outside. They said they had come to see the baby and his mother. Joseph told them to fuck off or he’d call the police. The shepherds fled in terror, they had already been arrested for sheep rustling and did not want to be in trouble with the law again.

Joseph had just returned to Mary’s side when there was another knock at the door. This time there were three men dressed in robes on the doorstep. Each had a present in their hands. They offered the presents to Joseph who gladly took them, then he told them to fuck off or he would call the police. The wise men fled in terror. They had just stolen their presents from Asda and did not want to be caught.

Joseph hung a sign outside the stable. It said, “Leave presents and fuck off.”

They received no more visitors that night. In the town square, Robbie Williams performed Angels. Very appropriate.

Two nights later, Joseph had a dream. An angel told him that he had to take Mary and Jesus to Egypt, otherwise they would all be killed by King Herod. Joseph asked the angel if it was he who had visited Mary to tell her of her pregnancy. The angel said he was Gabriel. Joseph beat him up and told him to keep away from his wife.

The next day they travelled to Egypt where they settled for many years. When Herod died many years later, Joseph, Mary and Jesus returned to Nazareth in their Cadillac, which they had bought using the Wise men’s presents. They purchased a flat over the river, where Jesus caught fish that he stored in a large freezer after being told by an angel that he may need a few of them in years to come. His mother kept asking him when he was going to stop as he had more fish than would feed five thousand. Strange how these things work out.